heart vs. head

this time i have nothing left to lose, i'm stuck the second hand won't move

2010-05-10T20:33:00.007-04:00

"Sometimes that's just life though, don't you think? Sometimes the crappiest things happen at the most unexpected times and you just have to take it for what it's worth and realize that its not the end, that there is always the tiniest hole you can crawl through to get yourself out"

everything is falling apart.

my whole group of friends,

and

school is being a fucking bitch.

my. life.

just what the fuck? really? may isn't my month. at least not this year...

i don't know what to do anymore, because i'm not sure if there is much more that i can do.

my friends situation:

i've tried all i could to help, but nothing i do seems to work. and it just keeps getting worse, at least, that's what it seems like to me. there's so much going on right now, that i feel like i'm in too deep. i can't get myself out of this.

i can't take sides, none of that. i want to be there for all of them. i've tried everything. but one can only do so much. i feel like i can't help anymore, and therefore, the rest is up to them. the situation spun out of control and i'm just not sure what i'm supposed to do now. but i do know that i can't just abandon them.

i care for them all, and all i want is for each one of them to be happy.

when one person falls apart, we all go down together.

they're like family to me, and i love them all to death.

i can't stand to see them like this, i've never seen them more upset and unhappy..

but i don't know what more could i do.

i just don't know what to do.....

to put it simply, again, i'm just confused about everything. but shouldn't i be used to confusion by now? i mean, that's basically been what my entire life has consisted of the past few months, confusion, confusion, and more confusion.

confusion sums it all up.

i don't know what i'm doing anymore.

my priorities are all wrong.

everything is just so wrong.

i need to get my shit together, and i need to fast.

but most importantly,

i need to somehow figure out how to help my best friends, because the last thing i want to do is lose them.

i've dealt with a lot of tough shit the past few months, but they changed my outlook on life basically & made everything tolerable, more positive, and i honestly don't know what i'd do without them.

i hope this situation can somehow be fixed:/

and soon...

well, i'm crossing my fingers & hoping for the best.

♡ -Camille

i guess i would rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

2010-02-10T16:14:00.008-05:00

so clearly, that whole post about my resolution never happened. i don't know when i'll write it but eventually....

anyway,

i'm a bit confused with the way my life is going right now.

i don't know. i'm kind of reverting back to my old ways when i had a passion for reading.

as for the rest of the stuff that's going on in my life, it's just weird.

i basically feel like everything is just so difficult. school, family stuff, people. love. idk whatever. i don't even want to talk about any of it. i guess i just feel empty, everywhere. like i don't know anything.

and what makes it all worse is that i haven't seen my mom like all week. and to be honest, i don't like it. i can see now that if i ever had to live with just my dad and brother, i would probably die. haha i'm done here for today, i think i'm going to go outside to admire the beauty of the snow everywhere. helloooo winter wonderland! we'll see, maybe i'll even try writing song, see if the snow can inspire me... bahahah bye!

I'm teaching myself to believe in the things I don't understand, I don't even know if they're true.. but that's what dreamers do

I believe we write our own stories--and each time we think we know the end, we don’t.

♡ -Camille

the resolution:

2010-01-17T17:39:00.005-05:00

i'll write it when i feel like i can. cause honestly, i'm not up for it right now. and plus, freaking midterms....

"Your intellect may be confused, but your emotions will never lie to you."

♡ -Camille

if life is full of questions, are we living to find the answers?

2010-01-12T21:45:00.013-05:00

so, i figured since i'm procrastinating awfully at the moment, i might as well do something that's slightly productive. so ha, here i am!

um, so midterms start on friday, i'm stressing so much. and i really should not be procrastinating right now but i can't concentrate. just because i've got way too much on my mind.. still.. i want it all to go away now. the pain, the tears, the thinking about him.

just get out of my head, please.

i've been trying to hard to let go of this, but it doesn't seem to be working. and i don't know what to do. i'm trying as hard as i can, but no progress.

i guess i just miss him..
and i'm never going to stop..

kay. i need to stop writing this, now. for many reasons.
want a list?
here.
1. i have an assload of homework to finish.
2. so i stop thinking about all this..
3. to keep my freaking sanity... yeah, right..
4. i need to study.
5. again, i repeat, back to homework and studying..
6. and many other reasons that i'd rather not put here.

Sometimes, the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.
But the most common situation is that the questions are always simple,
but the answers are confusing.

♡ -Camille

"i wish you could see that all i want from you is your love. reach out and talk to me. i'll be there for you. it may sound silly, but sometimes i listen to your favorite songs because now that you're gone, it's the closest way i can be to you."

humanity for all

2010-01-05T00:10:00.003-05:00

It has been said when you plant a seed you reap a tree. It is the smallest things that bring about the largest change. By simply extending a helping hand, yielding your right of way, or intentionally meeting the needs of others, you can make a difference in our world. Consider making a difference in someone’s life today. Sow the seed of Humanity. Love Mankind.

No matter how many times you break her heart and kill her inside she will still love you with everything she has

2009-12-31T18:46:00.003-05:00

new years eve,
joy.

good bye 2009,
hello 2010;

crossing my fingers and hoping for a better year;;
so
bring it on

♡ -Camille

"Stop planning your life and let it plan itself. Quit trying to find
the perfect boy and let him find you. If you don’t want drama,
then don’t talk shit. Things are only as complicated as you make them."

nothing is mine except my heart and my fears and my growing knowledge

2009-12-30T20:43:00.011-05:00

so today i've come to realize that it will take me a while to get over everything that is happening..
and it sucks, but i'm trying extremely hard.
it may hurt like a bitch now but i'm going to come out of this stronger than ever.
haha, what a foreign concept.. i didnt know i could teach myself to be strong, i never really needed to, and i didn't think i could
but hey, what do ya know.
and it will all be worth it in the end.

my memory of it all is slowly fading and it's like i'm re-learning everything
honestly, i'm becoming a different person, but the changes are positive
i'm learning more about myself and i know what my priorities should be

but it's sad that i have to try to forget;
i really don't want to forget even just the memories, but i feel like i have to because they may hold me back

"You cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore"

anyway, at the moment, all i have are my fears and growing knowledge (duhh, title?)..
i haven't really gotten my heart back yet and it's going to be hard to repair this,
but i'm working on it.
it's just good to know that this is just a tougher than usual obstacle in my life, but i'm going to get through it with class. i will make it through (positive thinking, haiii)
it's a learning experience; that i should never let my guard down like that again..
i wish i didn't have to let go,
but i guess it just is time that i do
and i guess this is how i'm trying..

blehhh, time for a nap
night, yo!
♡ -Camille
___________________________________________________________________

"The feelings you keep, will neither bind you or set you free."

taking a break from SAT work, and honestly,

2009-12-28T10:36:00.006-05:00

i'm probably not going to know what to put here, but whatever.
i'll just go with the flow.....
kind of like how i'm living my life right now
i mean as much as i wish i could, obviously i can't tell the future and i can't stop or prevent things from happening;
shit happens. it just happens.
and that's life.

yeah, things are extremely difficult for me right now,
but you know what's keeping me here..
just the thought that..
this shit can't last forever,
it will pass eventually.

(oh, just so you know, i am a quote junkie. so, just be aware.)
and at that,
i love this quote and it relates to pretty much everything right now:

"before you can see the light, you have to deal with the darkness."

and at the moment, that's where i'm at, dealing with the darkness.. but
i'm a strong believer that everything happens for a reason.
it may not make sense to me right now why all these things are happening, and i may not see the good in all this, but who knows, maybe i'll understand it in the future.

only time will tell..

and ps,
i also believe that
karma's a bitch.
so please,
please be careful.

♡ -Camille

______________________________________________________________

"There are many ways of seeing. After all, reality is perception, and everyone sees reality differently. Try going beyond the obvious and the ephemeral to feel reality instead. If you can free the clutter from your mind, you will liberate your perception from it's ego-based prejudices. Let your soul do the seeing and you will see reality with the eye in your heart, not the eyes in your head."